not just a light for everyone else

i've been thinking about this question lately: what actually makes a good life? not a successful life. not an impressive life. not the kind of life that looks good from across the street or on instagram. just... a good one. it's surprisingly difficult to answer. growing up, the answer seemed much easier. i was taught that the purpose of life was to be a light in this world. and honestly, even after leaving the community i grew up in, i've never really stopped liking that idea. there is something beautiful about wanting your existence to make someone else's world a little brighter. but somewhere along the way, i started wondering what happens when you only learn to be a light for everyone else. because the women i grew up around were incredibly good at giving. they cared for everyone. they showed up. they sacrificed. they carried things quietly. they were lights, absolutely. but so often, they seemed to disappear in the process. there was always someone else who needed something more. and maybe that's where my definition started changing. because i don't think being a good person means burning yourself down until everyone else is warm. i think a strong woman should be allowed to be a light for herself, too. maybe the point isn't to constantly pour yourself out. maybe it's to live in a way that doesn't require you to abandon yourself in order to love other people.

for a long time, i thought a good life was basically a shopping list. good job. nice house. enough money. family. holidays. garden. maybe a dog if we were feeling particularly successful. tick, tick, tick. as if there was some secret combination of achievements that would eventually unlock the feeling of “yes, i've made it.” but life has a strange way of making those lists look less convincing the longer you live. these days, a good life feels much less impressive. it might be sitting outside with my husband after the kids are asleep, somewhere warm, eating something good and having no idea what day it is. it might be having enough money to say yes sometimes, but enough freedom to say no. it might be work that gives me pride without becoming my entire identity. a quiet saturday. a messy kitchen. making something with my own hands. being around people who don't require me to perform a version of myself. being loved by the right person. watching my children be completely ridiculous and knowing they are safe enough to be exactly that. and maybe it is also knowing when to give, when to keep something for yourself, when to push and when to rest. not perfect balance. i've never been particularly good at that anyway. more like living in some kind of alignment with yourself, with the people you love, with the life you're actually living instead of the one you think you should be living.

i still don't have a perfect definition. maybe i never will. some seasons ask for more from me. some ask me to slow down. sometimes i want adventure and sometimes i want absolutely nothing except coffee, clean sheets and nobody needing anything from me for approximately seventeen minutes. i still want to build things. i still want to travel. i still want beautiful things. i still want more sometimes. and i don't think wanting more automatically means what you have isn't enough. maybe a good life isn't about becoming the most useful person in the room, or the most successful, or even the most selfless. maybe it's about being able to look at your life and recognise yourself inside it. to be a light for other people without becoming invisible to yourself. i don't have a perfect definition. i have a husband i still want to tell things to first. two children who can make me laugh and lose my mind within the same five minutes. work that pays the bills. ideas that refuse to leave me alone. friends. family, complicated as that word can be. places i want to see. things i still want to build. ordinary mornings. ridiculous evenings. good coffee. bad days. a lot of questions. maybe that's enough. or maybe tomorrow i'll change my mind. which, honestly, might be part of a good life too.