where the fuck did topfschlagen go?

i am currently planning my son's birthday party and i have questions. several questions. mostly angry ones. at his previous birthdays, i had a migraine by lunchtime. not metaphorically. an actual migraine. because apparently planning a birthday party for children has somehow become an extreme sport. and here we are again. except this year my son has decided that he would like to have a say in what we actually do. which is fair. it's his birthday. i support democracy. unfortunately, democracy has failed us because the child cannot decide what he wants. we discuss one option. he likes it. then he doesn't. another option. maybe. possibly. actually no. back to option one. meanwhile i'm sitting there trying to remain a supportive mother while mentally calculating how much therapy this birthday party is going to cost me. and then he finally tells me what he wants to do. great. perfect. let's look it up. three hundred and fifty euros. for four hours. excuse me? three hundred and fifty fucking euros. for a children's birthday party. at this point i would like to know where we collectively lost the plot. when did "happy birthday" become a four hour experience package? when did children stop needing cake, friends and something vaguely competitive to do with their bodies? where did topfschlagen go? where are the paper plates, chocolate cake, balloons and one adult desperately trying to convince twelve children that musical chairs is actually fun? why are we now apparently expected to provide an immersive childhood experience with a budget normally reserved for a small family holiday? and before someone tells me that children deserve experiences, yes. obviously. i love my children more than anything. i want them to have wonderful memories. i want them to feel celebrated. i want them to have fun. but i'm also starting to wonder whether we've confused "special" with "expensive." because i'm pretty sure my best childhood memories didn't come with a booking confirmation, a cancellation policy and a three digit price tag.
somewhere along the way, children's birthdays became events. proper events. there are locations. packages. themes. entertainers. decorations. personalised everything. goodie bags that contain more stuff than some children received for christmas when i was growing up. and apparently if your child has already been to a trampoline park, you can't just invite everyone home and put a saucepan on the floor. because what if they get bored? what if they compare? what if another child has already had a magician, a pony, a climbing wall and possibly a small olympic ceremony at their birthday party?
honestly, i don't know anymore. i just know that i am sitting here trying to plan four hours of happiness for a child who would probably be perfectly happy eating chocolate cake and running around with his friends while i stand in the corner drinking coffee. maybe i'm getting old. maybe i simply want to bring back the era of children being handed a paper plate, a piece of cake and a party game that costs absolutely nothing. topfschlagen. blind man's bluff. musical chairs. some chocolate cake. friends. done. and if anyone wants to spend three hundred and fifty euros on four hours of entertainment, honestly, i respect your commitment. but please don't ask me to pretend that a saucepan and a wooden spoon weren't enough.
because i'm beginning to think the saucepan had it right all along.