moving on

there's a thought i've been carrying around for a few days now, and it keeps coming back at the most random moments: if today were my last day on earth, how much of my day would i really spend thinking about the behaviour of other people? would i still replay that stupid conversation? would i still be annoyed because someone was rude to me? would i spend hours wondering why someone said something the way they did, whether i should have answered differently, what they meant by it, or whether they even like me? would i really want my last day to look like that? probably not. and somehow, that question makes a lot of things feel considerably less important. i want to start training myself to live differently. not in some dramatic “this is my last day, let's quit our jobs and fly to bali” kind of way. i mean the small things. dancing when i feel like dancing. saying what i actually think. laughing too loudly. wearing the thing i like. being unapologetic about who i am. taking up space without first checking whether everyone else is comfortable with it. there are so many tiny moments where we edit ourselves because we imagine someone might have an opinion. and honestly, people are going to have opinions anyway. they have them while you're being quiet. they have them while you're being nice. they have them while you're trying your hardest to get everything right. you might as well be yourself.

but i don't mean becoming someone who lets everything slide. quite the opposite. if someone hurts me, i'll say something. if something is bothering me, i'll address it. if someone crosses a line, they can expect to hear about it. speaking up is not the opposite of moving on. sometimes speaking up is exactly what allows you to move on. the part i want to change is what happens afterwards. because i have spent far too much time mentally living inside conversations that ended days ago. bad phone call? moving on. awkward conversation? moving on. someone behaved like an absolute idiot? moving on. two days in bed because i'm sick? moving on. made a mistake? moving on. someone misunderstood me? moving on. something from the past comes back and knocks on the door again? i can acknowledge it without inviting it in for coffee. there is a difference between processing something and continuously giving it new airtime. and i think i've sometimes confused the two. you can stand up for yourself without building a permanent museum around every person who has ever pissed you off.

so this is what i'm trying to practise now: say what needs to be said. feel what needs to be felt. learn what needs to be learned. and then move. not because it didn't matter, but because my life is still happening. i don't want to spend my days waiting for other people to behave better before i allow myself to enjoy mine. i don't want someone else's bad mood deciding what kind of day i get to have. i don't want an awkward conversation to follow me around for three days. if today really were my last day, i'd want to dance through the kitchen. i'd want to tell the people i love that i love them. i'd want to laugh at something stupid. i'd want to wear something that makes me feel good. i'd want to say the thing i've been afraid to say. and then i'd want to get on with my life. maybe that's what i'm actually trying to learn: not how to live as if every day is my last, but how to stop giving yesterday so much control over today. moving on. again and again. until it becomes a habit.